Please Excuse My Excuses

I didn’t like my job when I was an assistant (the position I was in before becoming a technical buyer – what I do now). I really thought it was the money thing… I didn’t make a lot and I was always living beyond my means. So, I had a part time job as a bartender to fill in the gaps but I was still living beyond my means even with 2 incomes.

I was so excited to become a technical buyer not because the job was awesome – the job suck ass, actually. I was just so excited because I’d be getting a 40ish% increase in salary. I could pay all my bills, have some leftover and not have to work at the bar. We were engaged, I had a new job, and we were planning a wedding…then I got pregnant. I don’t regret it [getting pregnant], I love the daylights out of my kid, but I do wish I made different decisions.

I do wish that I could go back and tell myself what is really important. I wish I could convince myself back then to do things differently to change how life is right now.

I didn’t want to buy a house. I bought it because I could and because my husband wanted it. Houses are part of the American dream, right, so of course we need a house. In retrospect, I think the house was a shitty move.

We actually lined up an apartment not very far from where our house is now for less than $400 a month because I had decided to stay home and I’d be the full time property manager. We had the application in and it was contingent upon us getting the final approval for our home loan. At this point we didn’t think we were going to end up getting the loan because it had been about a week of loads of paperwork, loads of questions, loads of uneasiness from our lender and one other lender retracting out of the deal. When we were finally approved magically my dream to take a year off was gone out the window and we bought the house. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Obviously it was house, you need a house, your husband wants a house, a house will be perfect for the family because you won’t move all time time like you did growing up, house, house house. Here I was climbing out of debt, starting to turn things around and then I have to go blow it all on a fucking house.

We could have only been paying $400 a month for a roof over our heads and the utilities but we threw it out the window over this “need” for a house. Well, the house we picked needed work – lots and lots of work. Where did I come up with the money for the work? My credit cards.

We were going to get $8,000 from Uncle Sam just for buying the house so I “had” the money to do the work. So, my nearly gone debt went back to where it was and when we got the $8,000 I paid some of it back but not all of it. Second dumbest move ever because duh Sara, things break, kitchens flood, the electric bill is $150 a month more than you budgeted for, Christmas happens and your an over spender, birthday parties, buying clothes…all these fun things happen and you just racked all your debt back up.

So, basically I’m back to where I was months before I became pregnant….wallowing in self pity, wallowing in my debt, still hating my job even though the money was supposed to make me happy and fix all my problems. If I could go back…if only I could go back.

I’d say hey Sara, figure out how to quit your job and figure out a way to take a year or two off from work. Quit making fucking excuses and just do it. You don’t need a hot shot career. You don’t need oodles of money because it’s never going to make you happy. You know what makes you happy? Your daughters giggles, her smell, her spunk.

You know what rips your heart out everyday? Leaving J everyday for the money that’s making you “happy”…

Leaving her everyday is going to be the hardest thing you do. Everyday it gets harder for you. It doesn’t get easier like everyone says it does. No, it gets harder but you get used to the pain. That’s why people say it gets easier it’s because you get used to the guilt and the pain of it. It still tears you up but you get better at hiding the pain and ignoring it. You learned that well from childhood.

You’re going to start sucking at your job. You’re going to get to the point where you give up and you purposefully don’t do things at work because “you don’t have time”. You have the time but you’re trying to sabotage your career because you’re so pissed at yourself for putting yourself in your position. You’re half scared that you’re doing this because you still have bills but your half excited because if you get fired you can be at home with your daughter where you’re happy. Even when you get talked to about your performance at work and you try to get back in the groove and fix things but you just can’t. You hate it there. You don’t like what you do, you don’t care about the money, and you just stop caring.

Just do yourself a favor and quit after your maternity leave is up. You’ll be happier knowing that you don’t depend on a job that you hate anyway and that you are raising your daughter instead of your sister-in-law.

But, since I can’t go back, since I can’t tell myself that my job isn’t the most important thing in my life like everyone (basically my husband and my mother) has always told me I guess I’m stuck.

I feel so stuck.

I need to unstick myself but figuring out how is hard and I seem to always make things worse. What would make me happy is to be a stay at home mommy but getting to that point is impossible for me…obviously my stupid excuse hasn’t changed. It’s the money. And now everyone is pressuring me to have another kid. Unfuckingreal.

Welcome to my little pity party full of excuses and bullshit.

Tomorrow night I have a meeting with a financial advisor so I can figure all my crap out.  I totally want to a do-over, though.  Or, to hit the lottery – the true American dream.  Too bad I don’t play.

If only I could figure out what is holding me back from being authentic and true.  Maybe I can sift through things and really make some changes for the better instead of little things that don’t mean much to me like where my husband puts his hats at the end of the day.  How do you focus your energy and be true to what you really want in life, parenting, work, etc.?  How do you plan and stay on course?  It seems like I am my worst enemy as they say.

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3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 responses to “Please Excuse My Excuses

  1. Hugs to you. I think that regardless of the answers, asking the questions is important in peeling away the layers that cover authenticity. I enjoy your blog and wish you clarity and peace. ❤

  2. Erin

    Thank you for this–I could have written it myself, word for word.

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