Category Archives: Life

Please Excuse My Excuses

I didn’t like my job when I was an assistant (the position I was in before becoming a technical buyer – what I do now). I really thought it was the money thing… I didn’t make a lot and I was always living beyond my means. So, I had a part time job as a bartender to fill in the gaps but I was still living beyond my means even with 2 incomes.

I was so excited to become a technical buyer not because the job was awesome – the job suck ass, actually. I was just so excited because I’d be getting a 40ish% increase in salary. I could pay all my bills, have some leftover and not have to work at the bar. We were engaged, I had a new job, and we were planning a wedding…then I got pregnant. I don’t regret it [getting pregnant], I love the daylights out of my kid, but I do wish I made different decisions.

I do wish that I could go back and tell myself what is really important. I wish I could convince myself back then to do things differently to change how life is right now.

I didn’t want to buy a house. I bought it because I could and because my husband wanted it. Houses are part of the American dream, right, so of course we need a house. In retrospect, I think the house was a shitty move.

We actually lined up an apartment not very far from where our house is now for less than $400 a month because I had decided to stay home and I’d be the full time property manager. We had the application in and it was contingent upon us getting the final approval for our home loan. At this point we didn’t think we were going to end up getting the loan because it had been about a week of loads of paperwork, loads of questions, loads of uneasiness from our lender and one other lender retracting out of the deal. When we were finally approved magically my dream to take a year off was gone out the window and we bought the house. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Obviously it was house, you need a house, your husband wants a house, a house will be perfect for the family because you won’t move all time time like you did growing up, house, house house. Here I was climbing out of debt, starting to turn things around and then I have to go blow it all on a fucking house.

We could have only been paying $400 a month for a roof over our heads and the utilities but we threw it out the window over this “need” for a house. Well, the house we picked needed work – lots and lots of work. Where did I come up with the money for the work? My credit cards.

We were going to get $8,000 from Uncle Sam just for buying the house so I “had” the money to do the work. So, my nearly gone debt went back to where it was and when we got the $8,000 I paid some of it back but not all of it. Second dumbest move ever because duh Sara, things break, kitchens flood, the electric bill is $150 a month more than you budgeted for, Christmas happens and your an over spender, birthday parties, buying clothes…all these fun things happen and you just racked all your debt back up.

So, basically I’m back to where I was months before I became pregnant….wallowing in self pity, wallowing in my debt, still hating my job even though the money was supposed to make me happy and fix all my problems. If I could go back…if only I could go back.

I’d say hey Sara, figure out how to quit your job and figure out a way to take a year or two off from work. Quit making fucking excuses and just do it. You don’t need a hot shot career. You don’t need oodles of money because it’s never going to make you happy. You know what makes you happy? Your daughters giggles, her smell, her spunk.

You know what rips your heart out everyday? Leaving J everyday for the money that’s making you “happy”…

Leaving her everyday is going to be the hardest thing you do. Everyday it gets harder for you. It doesn’t get easier like everyone says it does. No, it gets harder but you get used to the pain. That’s why people say it gets easier it’s because you get used to the guilt and the pain of it. It still tears you up but you get better at hiding the pain and ignoring it. You learned that well from childhood.

You’re going to start sucking at your job. You’re going to get to the point where you give up and you purposefully don’t do things at work because “you don’t have time”. You have the time but you’re trying to sabotage your career because you’re so pissed at yourself for putting yourself in your position. You’re half scared that you’re doing this because you still have bills but your half excited because if you get fired you can be at home with your daughter where you’re happy. Even when you get talked to about your performance at work and you try to get back in the groove and fix things but you just can’t. You hate it there. You don’t like what you do, you don’t care about the money, and you just stop caring.

Just do yourself a favor and quit after your maternity leave is up. You’ll be happier knowing that you don’t depend on a job that you hate anyway and that you are raising your daughter instead of your sister-in-law.

But, since I can’t go back, since I can’t tell myself that my job isn’t the most important thing in my life like everyone (basically my husband and my mother) has always told me I guess I’m stuck.

I feel so stuck.

I need to unstick myself but figuring out how is hard and I seem to always make things worse. What would make me happy is to be a stay at home mommy but getting to that point is impossible for me…obviously my stupid excuse hasn’t changed. It’s the money. And now everyone is pressuring me to have another kid. Unfuckingreal.

Welcome to my little pity party full of excuses and bullshit.

Tomorrow night I have a meeting with a financial advisor so I can figure all my crap out.  I totally want to a do-over, though.  Or, to hit the lottery – the true American dream.  Too bad I don’t play.

If only I could figure out what is holding me back from being authentic and true.  Maybe I can sift through things and really make some changes for the better instead of little things that don’t mean much to me like where my husband puts his hats at the end of the day.  How do you focus your energy and be true to what you really want in life, parenting, work, etc.?  How do you plan and stay on course?  It seems like I am my worst enemy as they say.

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Ch ch ch ch Changes….

Did you see that I made some goals this year for myself?  Wellllll, I’ve done the whole one step forward, two steps back dealio -kinda. 

On the finance front I’m really making some headway!  I’ve setup my ING

J in the new year standing tall

account (and scored 50 big ones!), I’ve automated everything that I possibly can plus now I have a separate account for our groceries, my gas and my spending money.  I don’t even look at my other account that pays all our bills (ok, I peek) or touch the pot so I can’t overspend out of it!  I had this terrible habit of seeing all these dollars and being all ohhhh but I have so many so I can spend $3 here, $6 there….NO MORE!

Then I went on a cleaning escapade this past week.  I organized and cleaned J’s room and closet.  I cleaned up all the Christmas decorations (except the lights on the house – A’s job for sure) and I’ve gone through the toys to scale down after the toy explosion.  Not bad for a couple weeks into the New Year, I must say.

Plus I’ve been writing more, I have an open house Saturday night with Diaper Parties, I’ve crochet 3 hats, and I’ve been spending more time with family members.  Overall I’m heading in the right direction here…

BUT, my soda habit is really spiraling out of control.  I have this thing for Coke and it started during my pregnancy.  I had one craving and one craving only: Coca Cola Classic.  It’s my downfall and I thought not buying it would help me and then the vending machines started to taunt me.  BAD.  We all have our dirty little habits, right?  Or is that just me!?

I see it this way, if I keep making excuses for why I fail giving something up then I’m just not ready to give it up.  It’s like smoking or drinking, right? 

So, how are you doing on your goals for yourself this year?

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So this is the New Year…

I just have to say that I love that song and every New Year I sing it to myself.  I’ve decided to make some resolutions for myself, if you will.  I like to think of them more as tweaks and plans to help me enjoy life more. 

One of my absolute favorite quotes is:

“In a world where you can be anything be yourself.” 

Well, I haven’t felt like I’ve been being myself.  I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of making excuses and some days I see myself being more bitter than happy which is never a good thing.  I find myself trapped in what ifs, pity and sometimes resentment.  It’s not a good fit for me and my family. 

This year I resolve to teach myself that I am perfect, my family is perfect and our situation(s) with life are indeed perfect. 

To help myself I outlined some goals and here is the reason for all of this…

SIMPLIFY

Our home

_ Clean and organize home office

_ Clean and organize front porch into play center

_ Clean and organize basement

_ Create craft center in basement

Our finances

_ Automate ALL of our bills

_ Setup ING online savings

  1. Emergency Fund
  2. Tattoo
  3. Camera

_ Cut back on thoughtless/impulse spending

_ Eliminate half our debts (not including mortgage)

IMPROVE/DEVELOP CAREER

Write, read and share more

_ Monthly freelance article(s)

_ 2-3 blog posts per week

Take a class (or classes)

_ Communication/Writing

_ Marketing

_ Design

_ Programming

Grow Diaper Parties business

_ One party per month

_ One expo per year

_ Monthly guest posting for promotion

HAVE FUN

_Craft more (in organized craft center!)

_Get tattoo (with ING savings!)

_Do more activities with the family

LIVE HEALTHY

_Limit soda to one a week

_Walk more (especially with J)

_Laugh more, love more, be present, be authentic 🙂

I’m sure I’ll come back to add, delete and move things around. But, it’s a start. I don’t resolve to do everything at once and I don’t even know if I’ll accomplish everything that I “want” because life always has different plans that come up.

My number one goal for myself in 2011 is NO MORE EXCUSES for not living and enjoying the life that I currently have. No more what ifs only what is

Do you have any resolutions or goals for yourself?  Why did you decide on your resolution/goal?  How do you plan on accomplishing it/them?

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The Holidays – AKA Toy Explosion

I’m upset with myself because I couldn’t find my camera and it’s still missing. 

Z in the tissue

Needless to say I only captured a few pictures on my phone this holiday and they weren’t great (see kitty!?).  I didn’t get a picture of the tree full of presents on Christmas morning like I wanted.  I didn’t get a family photo of us all in our cute PJs.  I didn’t get pictures of J ripping open her gifts (which, she didn’t really do anyway she just liked a little strip of paper) and I didn’t get many pictures of her with family this year.  Mama of the year award coming my way for sure.

But, even so we did have a great time with all the family.  We had 5 celebrations for Christmas this year and luckily they were all in the same state!  We forgot to get the cat anything so we put out some tissue paper for her to play with and J unwrapped her like she was a gift.  J was quite pleased with herself 🙂

J sporting her Christmas atire

J seemed like she enjoyed playing with the tissue more than the 256 other toys that she got from family and friends.  Seriously, holy freaking toys batman.  I actually think she got overwhelmed with the new toys because she just spent most of her time playing with a piece of wrapping paper or a bow, ha.  It’s hard to even walk around our family room now because of the toy explosion and half of them (the big toys) are still in boxes in the front room.  I feel like a big donation will be happening shortly here.

How was your holiday break (if you had one)?  Did you have a lot of activities or did you keep it low key at home?

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Giving Thanks – A Little Late

‘Tis the season for ‘giving thanks’, stuffing our faces, awkward family gatherings, watching your ‘p’s & q’s’, and getting up super early for the deals, right? That’s all I thought about holidays for years and years. I’d just get through them and when they’re done no more family for a whole year!

For the record, it isn’t my family that I’m avoiding and it’s not that I’m not thankful. I do want to spend time with my family and I miss my family often. It’s really the awkwardness, pain and pressure I feel being around my family with my mother during the holidays.

I’m being vague here so let me just say that my mom is the drunk of the family. She’s not one of those funny drunks, either. She’s either crying, being mean, telling an inappropriate story at an inappropriate time, yelling to be heard above everyone, giving a piece of her mind (and it’s not usually a nice or constructive piece) when no one asked, or she just starts making things up.

Baby J & Cousin A w/ Grandpa C

Anyway, aside from my crazy mom we had a great Thanksgiving double feature celebration this year. First, we had dinner at noon with A’s family – which I’m still weird around. It’s just that I don’t do hugs, I suck at random chit chat, I’m socially awkward and I don’t really know his family members well. I’ll get better at it over the years, I hope. But, it was nice and also really funny to have the 11 month old screaming (literally) in her booster seat over how delicious her turkey was 🙂

Dinner at my aunt’s house was at three and over an hour away from our first celebration. I was really excited to go to my aunt’s this year because some members of my family haven’t met our daughter yet. My extended family is amazing, though. We each wrote three things we were thankful for, put them in a jar and took out three things to read off throughout dinner. My cousins each read either a poem, story or song about thanksgiving which was great.  I really wish that we weren’t hours apart so I could spend more time with my aunt, uncle and cousins because they’re all hilarious and fun.

Having a child made me realize and I’ve really learned that this time of year isn’t something you should just try to get through like I used to think. This year I’m really thankful for my life and everything in my life. Sure, the holidays can be a little awkward and family members embarrass you, but I also realized that I am my own person.  I’m not my mother – I’m just a product of her.  So, when she’s drunk and being herself I can be thankful that she’s still well and with us.  Even if she the family drunk. 

I’m thankful for my daughter, who is so full of life and filling my world with joy.

I’m thankful for my husband who can see through the cranky and know-it-all that I am and still love me deeply (even on the bad days). He takes care of us and I don’t show him nearly enough thanks for everything that he does.

I’m thankful for our family’s health, our home, our annoying yet faithful pets, and a steady flow of income even if some days we’d like to quit our jobs.

This year I hope to start some great family traditions, follow along with old family traditions and to start teaching our daughter how to give in the spirit of giving not out of feelings of obligation.

I did get up at 6:00am to go shopping with my sister and my daughter in tow on Black Friday, though. It’s the consumer in me, I guess, just trying to save a buck or two. At least the shopping is done and I only have a couple more gifts left to craft.

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